There's No Room...

I talk to you and you don't seem to be interested
As you once were in my life
You asked about how I was, what I was up to
Now, I feel you just don't care
You've decided, yet again, to give your past another chance
And I wonder what you didn't learn the last time you did this?
Now there are the women who can't wait to throw themselves at you
How can I compete?
I just don't see where I fit in the grand scheme of things
Right now, I'm sad to say,
That there is no room in your life for me.

Haven't I brought some love to your life?
I care for you with all I possess.
It just doesn't seem to be enough
To change your mind, to give our relationship a chance
You say you don't know what you want, but I can't help but see
That you do know what you want
And it's not a life with me.

Please know that I will always love you
And that I will always care
But in your life, I'm out of sight, out of mind
Because I cannot be there.


©2003, all right reserved

All I Have To Offer You Is Me

I hope this message finds you well.
I guess you're happy, as far as I can tell.
I've never stopped caring for you, on that you can bet;
And maybe we'll be together yet;
But for now, I'll have to let you see,
That all I have to offer you is me.

No fancy schmancy things I've got,
Because right now, I have not.
I know I can not compete with your past;
And, not even you are sure it will last.
I wish you well, this I can see,
As all I have to offer you is me.

Remember me because I cared;
And all the good times we shared,
they were not in vain, were not for naught;
For in my heart are the lessons you taught.
Love is thy name you will agree
And all I have to offer you, is me.


©2003, all rights reserved.

After Midnight

While I sit in amazement that we made it,
Barely, thru our first year
I realize that it is still a test.
A test of faith;
A test of hope;
A test of love.
There were, and still are,
Obsticles that threaten to
Impede the progress we've made
Towards a life together.
Distance is the biggest one
Facing us now.

After midnight, I sit here
Knowing you love me, yet
Wondering if a life together is possible.
We are so different, and yet,
So much alike.
We gave a brief try months ago;
Months that seem like years, looking back.
We know we can do it again...
The timing has to be just right
Everything has to be in its proper place;
It must be perfect,
Because we cannot afford to fail
This time;

I see you clearly in my mind's eye.
You stand proudly against the Louisiana sky
Ready, and able, to rewrite your life.
You have the desire, the drive, the determination
To succeed where you have before fallen short.
It takes courage to come back to your hometown
And in the face of those accustomed to seeing you fail
Begin to take the steps to finally prove them
Wrong in their haste to condemn.
Because this time you have something different

You have me. I love you.


©2003, all rights reserved

This Is a Test

A test of faith.

In the last year, everything in my life as I know it had been turned upside-down. I got fired from a job that I really didn't like, but needed; I was diagnosed with a chronic illness; I had intimate relationships with men who were not really good for my self esteem; And, I fell unalterably in love with a man who I am certain cares for me deeply, but just doesn't realize it, because he is fighting his own demons and undergoing his own test of faith right now.

I have done a lot of growing in the last year. I know what I am capable of, that I am worthy of affection, that I can have male friends without having to sleep with them; one in particular, though strongly attracted to me by his own admission, had to resist being intimate with me because he didn't want to stray from his live in girlfriend. That in and of itself gave me great respect for him, though at the time, I was very hurt.

I have this to say about that: if he was so attracted to me to the point of possibly cheating, then how strong is that relationship?

But, I digress.

I have to have faith, because my life depends on my reactions to the situation I currently find myself in. The faith I have in myself, and my self worth are all I have. If I don't have that, then I have nothing. I just pray that my love, wherever he is at this very moment, has that same faith. He's been though so much more in his lifetime than I have in mine, and I am older than he is by a dozen years.

I told him that no matter what, I will always love him, and will always be there for him if he needs me.

Keep the faith. It's all you have. That, and me.

©2003, all right reserved

Swept Away One Night

You showed me a new world
One where I felt I belonged
No one judging me, assuming the worst
About the life I lead that they knew nothing about.
You taught me lessons I should have
already known
I needed a reminder that I was worthy
of the love you so freely gave to me
Your wisdom belies your youth
Lessons you learned under duress
I never experienced the things you had
seen at such a young age.
Thank you for caring, thank you for loving me.
Thank you for the man you are
You don't have to hide behind your tough looks
Because I've seen the gentle soul inside.
This is the man with whom
I fell completely, utterly, unalterably in love.
Look in the mirror, cher ami
It is you...

©2003, all rights reserved

Haikus

1.)
You will always have
Me as a friend forever
Know I still love you

2.)
The Rebel Redhead:
She wears her heart on her sleeve
And loves without question.

Untitled--6.30.03

Will I ever see you again?
Feel your touch, your warm embrace?
Have all the chances I had been squandered
in my attempts to be happy?
Your words cut me like razors
Tiny ribbons of crimson flow across my heart
Was it all worth it to wound my spirit?

She says to you: don't talk to her
But you, defiant, talk to me anyway.
I have no problems with her, she tells you to tell me
However, it is obvious that she feels threatened
Because she could never have with you
what you and I had together?

Trust.

Her world is all lies, deceit, deception;
Her control over you was all she had
For what? A few rolls in the sack?
You do not suffer fools gladly,
You never succumbed to her demands.

Question is now, do I give you another chance?
Would you take off on me again if given the chance?
Do I take that chance if I felt it was worth it?

Damn right I would!


©2003, all rights reserved.

Picayune

I've been missing you fiercely all these months
Now, it looks like we're going to reunite
Restart, resume.
I cannot wait to be in your arms again-
To feel the touch of your skin,
The urgency of your lips upon mine
To feel safe again.

There was something missing
My life appeared in control from the outside
Inside, it was in chaos.
Bangor was the first time I felt that someone
saw me for who I am
Not for what they wanted me to become.

Thank you...

When you left that November,
My life felt cheated, but I remembered
You had a life before we met.
It was calling you back for closure
It was time to go and face the past.
Though it was hard to see you leave
I knew I had to let you go.

Friends forever, you said.

I prayed you were happy in your old life
But your voice betrayed your words
You couldn't find a way to make it work
Although you tried...I know you tried.
Your voice on the phone that day you told me
You were heading to Picayune
Absolutely broke my heart...I could feel your pain

I sat in the car and cried after we hung up.

We talked a lot that week.
Making plans to see one another again
You told me you loved me, that
you always had.
I want to reconnect with you
My feelings for you never wavered
I want to be in your arms again, to be safe, to be loved.

Now, I'm on a bus, headed to Picayune.


©2003, all rights reserved.

The Last Day

October 12, 1984, 11:30am
Poplarville, Mississippi



The news she had feared had come to pass.

Cancer.

I cannot handle this, she thought. I know what happens during exams, during chemo, and I can't put my family through that. It would be better if I took care of it right now.

He husband was home today, there being no work for him during this supposedly prosperous time. Her son was at school. She felt bad that he would grow up without her, but she felt she really had no choice.

"Hello," John said as she walked into the kitchen. "What did the doctor say?"

She just looked at him and said one word, "cancer."

"What are you going to do?" he asked.

"I'm not going to anything about it."

John looked shocked, and it took a lot to shock him. "You mean you are just going to let it kill you? You're going to let the boy watch you slowly kill yourself?"

"I've made up my mind. Don't make me change it."

But that is exactly what John spent the next hour trying to do. All of his arguments had to do with their eight-year-old son: you can't do this to him, it will ruin him for life, you'll rob him of a normal childhood...

"His childhood has never been normal," she spat back. "Look who he has for parents. A couple of old people who had no business bringing a child into this fucked up world."

"You wanted to have a child," John said. "You said it would cement our love, bring us closer together."

"Bringing Sean into this world was a mistake!" she screamed. "I wish I had gotten rid of him when I had the chance!"

John fell silent. He couldn't believe she was talking crazy like this. Sean was his boy, his second chance to make up for not being there for his seven other children. He was going to do all the things with this son he didn't do with his older sons.

"But, then," she continued, oblivious to his thoughts, "you had to name him after your father. You wouldn't let me name him what I wanted to name him. But I let you do it."

"Will you stop talkin' crazy, woman?" he asked. "You ain't gonna just sit there and let the cancer you say you have kill you. You can be healed. Leave Sean out of this right now. He's just a child!"

She then did something that absolutely floored him. She went into their bedroom, to her bedside table, and removed a gun.

"Maybe I'll just end it all right now!" She pointed the barrel to her head. "Maybe I'll fuckin' blow my brains out!"

"You'll do no such thing. Have you completely lost your mind? Put the gun down."

"No! I can't go through the cancer treatment. I seen how they do it and it ain't what I wanna do."

John felt he had to talk some sense into his wife. He didn't want to lose her to her demons. "But it will save you. You'll be able to see Sean grow up and become a fine young man, someone you will be proud of."

"I'm doin' this to spare Sean a sick mother!"

"I don't see how that will spare him. It will change his life forever to lose his mama."

"I'm gonna do it before he comes home from school. An' you're gonna help me."

"The hell I am," John objected. "If you're gonna do this, you're gonna do this alone. I ain't gonna get in trouble and lose my son because of your selfish ways."

He then walked out of the bedroom, into the kitchen. His mind was reeling. He couldn't believe that she wouldn't give treatment a chance to save her. However, her irrational behavior in times of stress didn't surprise him anymore.

For as long as he knew her, she struggled with her demons. The ones who told her to talk crazy and to hurt the people she loved. When she became pregnant at age forty-one, she seemed to calm down. Her life, to him, seemed to make a little more sense, since she had two teenage daughters to raise and a baby boy on the way.

For the first few years of Sean's life, their lives together were calm and peaceful. Sean was a good baby and cheerful toddler, but shortly after his fifth birthday, his mother seemed to change. Being too young to realize it, he thought it was because he was bad, and did his best to be good and make his mama happy. And, for a little while, it appeared to work.

Then one day, the demons returned. John came home one afternoon to hear Sean screaming, and water splashing in the bathtub. He went to see what was going on, and he saw his wife trying to drown their son!

He grabbed the terrified boy out of the tub, gave him a towel and sent him to his room to dry off. John dragged his wife off the floor of the bathroom and took her to their bedroom. Talk didn't seem to work, so he backhanded her so hard she passed out. Unbeknownst to him, Sean had seen the whole episode from the doorway.

John still got upset when he thought about that, so he tried his best to forget. Sometimes, relief came in the form of a hard drink at the bar.

He heard his name being called from the bedroom. He went to go check on her, and saw that she was in bed. Maybe she'll take a nap and feel better later, then we can discuss this sanely, he thought. He soon found that is not what she intended at all.

She still held the gun. She babbled on about killing herself, so she wouldn't have to undergo that evil chemotherapy, be poked and prodded like a side of beef, so her son wouldn't have to watch her suffer and not understand. Then she told John,

"If you ever loved me at all, you'll help me die."

"The fuck I will!" he protested. "If you are so bound and determined to do it, then fuckin' do it already!"

"You gonna help me."

"No."

"Do you love me? Did you ever love me, John? Or was I just a convenient way to get a son."

"Baby, you know I love you. Sean is the best gift you ever gave me. I don't want you to die this way."

"But, baby," she said," it's the only way. Please, if you ever loved me, you'll help me die."

At that moment, John made a fateful decision. He would try and take the gun away from her.

He lunged onto the bed and grabbed her wrist and squeezed as hard as he could to make her let go. Her grip on the gun's handle was like steel, and she wouldn't release. Finally, she dropped the gun.

"Now shoot me, John!" she screamed, "shoot me!"

"No! I can't! I won't!"

She looked up at him, and he saw that she had tears in her eyes. "Please," she sobbed, "please help me die."

He couldn't stand to see her cry. She must want this bad, he thought. If he did as she asked, no one would have to know she didn't do it herself.

"Okay, I'll do it," he said, "but I'll let people think you did it yourself. I won't tell nobody I did it."

"Good," she said. "Now, I'll show you where to shoot me so I'll die right away." She showed him a place on her body that would hasten the process by her bleeding to death. He was to place the gun in her hand after he shot her, then call the sheriff before Sean came home from school.

"Keep Sean out of the house as long as possible," she further instructed. "Don't let him see my dead body before my funeral."

John aimed the gun at the spot she designated at close range. Before he pulled the trigger to fire the fatal shot, she told him something she wanted him to pass along to their son.

"Tell the boy I love him."

==================

John was sitting on the porch with his head in his hands when his niece showed up at the house. She was going to take Sean out for ice cream.

She saw right away something was not right. John was despondent, his words not making any sense. When she asked him to repeat himself, he said,

"She's dead! She's fuckin' killed herself in the bed. I found her when I come home!"

She registered shock at those words and had many questions, the primary among them was, "Did you call the sheriff?"

"No," John said, "I wanted to wait until I calmed down enough first."

"How long has she been dead?"

"I don't know, an hour or so."

"I'll call the sheriff, okay Uncle John?"

"I don't know how I'm going to tell Sean."

His niece went into the house, and had to pass the bedroom on the way to the kitchen to use the phone. She looked into the room and saw it covered in blood. She saw her aunt's body in the bed, but could not make out any real details except for her upraised hand with the gun still in it.

She vomited into the kitchen sink, then called the sheriff.

=======================

As the school bus drove up to the house, Sean saw the Pearl River Sheriffs cars and the ambulance out front. He bolted off the bus and up the porch steps. His cousin blocked his way into the house.

"Sean, don't go into the house. There's been an accident."

Sean didn't hear her, as he was halfway down the hall. He saw his father in the kitchen talking to the sheriff and the paramedics. He knew immediately that the accident had happened to his mother. He looked in the direction of his parents' bedroom and saw the door closed.

"Sean," his father said, "your mama's had an accident."

"What happened? Is she going to be okay? Can I see her?"

"No," the sheriff said. "Not now, son."

"Why?"

"There's been an accident to your mother. It's best you didn't see her now."

Before any of the adults could react, Sean opened the bedroom door and entered the room.

Then, they heard him scream.

"Mama!!"

=======================

February 27, 1995, 4:00am
New Orleans, Louisiana



He awoke in a cold sweat. He had been having this nightmare every night for months, but he didn't know what it meant in the grand scheme of things.

He looked around. He was still in the same place; nothing had changed.

Eighteen year old Sean Charbonneau was still in the Orleans Parish Prison, having nightmares about the day ten years earlier he found his mother's corpse lying on her bed.

He knew in his heart she didn't take her own life. He was sure his father, now also deceased, killed her. Her death was officially ruled a suicide, and he decided that one day, he would find out the real truth and have it changed to homicide. But that one day was far in the future.

He had to get out of jail first, and that day was three years away, at least.


©2003