This Is a Test

A test of faith.

In the last year, everything in my life as I know it had been turned upside-down. I got fired from a job that I really didn't like, but needed; I was diagnosed with a chronic illness; I had intimate relationships with men who were not really good for my self esteem; And, I fell unalterably in love with a man who I am certain cares for me deeply, but just doesn't realize it, because he is fighting his own demons and undergoing his own test of faith right now.

I have done a lot of growing in the last year. I know what I am capable of, that I am worthy of affection, that I can have male friends without having to sleep with them; one in particular, though strongly attracted to me by his own admission, had to resist being intimate with me because he didn't want to stray from his live in girlfriend. That in and of itself gave me great respect for him, though at the time, I was very hurt.

I have this to say about that: if he was so attracted to me to the point of possibly cheating, then how strong is that relationship?

But, I digress.

I have to have faith, because my life depends on my reactions to the situation I currently find myself in. The faith I have in myself, and my self worth are all I have. If I don't have that, then I have nothing. I just pray that my love, wherever he is at this very moment, has that same faith. He's been though so much more in his lifetime than I have in mine, and I am older than he is by a dozen years.

I told him that no matter what, I will always love him, and will always be there for him if he needs me.

Keep the faith. It's all you have. That, and me.

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