Not For Me to Say

I am not the same person I was three years ago.
I know in that time I have changed much
Perhaps for the better, perhaps not.
It's not for me to say.

I know I gave it a fighting chance to survive
But it takes two to keep love alive.
Bouncing between present and past,
and back yet again
I could not, with love alone,
change the die once cast.

You showed me things I needed to know.
And for that I will always thank you.
You don't know still what it is you want;
Regret will be your guide through life
If you don't break the chains of
Destructive familiarity that bind you.
And, you have no idea you are its prisoner.

I can't wait anymore, my life urges me
Forward to a new beginning.
A life, however, that will have room for you,
if and when you want it.
I gave you my best, but it went unrecognized
You'll have no idea what you unwittingly discarded,
until it is no longer within your grasp.

I am not the problem, the dilemma, the conflict.
My intent was clearly stated;
My feelings and thoughts
were proffered with honesty.
I tried my best to be everything your heart desired.
It was, sadly, not enough to break through
Years of neglect, being ignored, being forgotten.

You will always have my love, my caring;
My attention when you need a friend.
I will be here for you when and if you need me,
But for now, I must press on and meet the goals
I have set for myself.

I will always love you for the man you are now, and
I've seen the man you can become.
I will always love you for the man you were
When I needed affirmation.
I will always love you,
But now, we must stay parted.

Perhaps the fates will be kind and join us
yet again.
And I do not know what will pass for us to
get to that point.
It is not for me to say.


©2005, all rights reserved.

Pieces of a Dream

Fair Warning: This post contains mature themes and sexual situations. If you do not wish to read items containing said content, feel free to leave. If you do read this and disagree with the content of this post, please don't leave me a comment complaining about it, as this is what this warning is for. This post ©2004-05, all rights reserved. Thank you.

And now,

Pieces of a Dream

===========================================


It had been two years since I saw Merrie, and she was as beautiful as ever. Her body, thinner; her hair, redder; her eyes, brighter. All the old feelings I had for her, ones I thought were long buried because of the distance between us, came up to the surface. I knew I had to take it easy, as I didn't know Merrie's feelings for me, other than ones of friendship. We acknowledged a mutual attraction, and had formed a mutual admiration society, but as for romantic feelings on her part, I had no idea.

She was staying in the same apartment building where she lived for five years before moving away from New England, as a guest of her former landlord. I suspected that the landlord had feelings for her as well, as he was allowing her to stay rent-free while he remodeled the building.

The first month she was there, she spent reestablishing herself: driver's license, registering her car, looking for permanent lodging. Working was out of the question because of the chronic illness she had been diagnosed with, so her income was Disability and SSI, a far cry from the 40 grand a year she made as a financial analyst. She was, literally, starting over at age 41.

She told me she was hesitant to contact me when she arrived in Massachusetts and I didn't understand that. We’d kept in touch via email and phone calls during her years away, so I thought she knew she could ask me for anything. She had found her own way back to the place she was most comfortable, although I had offered to put her up at my place. The price was right, and her former landlord was more than happy to accommodate her. I thought that meant she would have to "put out", but he really was being sincere. Maybe he had been in her shoes at some point, I don't know.

After the first month or so, Merrie called me at work. She told me where she was and what she'd been up to, and asked about me. I had no good news to tell her. My fiancee recently called off our wedding and moved back to western Massachusetts. It had been six months, and it still hurt. We had been together for five years, but when it was the right time (I thought) to make it legal, at first she agreed, but then got cold feet or something and called off not only the wedding, but our relationship as well.

We talked for a while, then I asked if she was free for dinner. She said she was, because she didn't go out much. We made arrangements to meet at a local eatery that evening. I admit that the prospect of seeing her again excited me on a couple of levels. I wanted to know if she would be willing to give me a chance to win her heart. The two years away only strengthened my attraction to her. She was, as usual, unaware of my predicament. She was unaware, too, of how captivatingly beautiful she was. She never realized that she got things because of her looks. It didn't even occur to her to use her looks to her advantage. She put more emphasis on her intelligence and her talents, rather than on her appearance. She passed that trait on to her two equally stunning daughters, now college students.

As I got ready to leave to meet her for dinner, Merrie was the only thing on my mind. The restaurant I chose was one I knew she liked, and it was crowded and lively when I arrived.

At first, I didn't see her, and thought she hadn't arrived yet, but then saw her copper hair out of the corner of my eye. I turned towards her, and looked at her in profile for a second, when she noticed me. She came walking over to me, and for a moment, I couldn't move.

"James!" she said excitedly; "it's so good to see you!"

"Merrie! Yes! So good to see you again!"

I took her into my arms and kissed her on the cheek. She looked perfect.

We were seated at a table in the back that was rather private. I don't know if that was by luck or design, but it didn't matter. Merrie, and her unusual green eyes looking at me, mattered.

Dinner went by in a blur for me. I concentrated on the music that was Merrie's voice the entire evening. She told me of her adventures in the bayous of Louisiana, where she had been living with her boyfriend until his sudden death a year earlier. Then, she went to Oklahoma, where she had family, but was very unhappy there. She stayed until her younger daughter graduated from high school, then made the decision to come back to Massachusetts. She said she needed a familiar, friendly and comforting place to put her life back together.

"You knew you could always come back here, didn't you, Merrie?" I asked her.

"Yes, that is part of the reason I came here," she said. "After Jack died, because we never married, I didn't get the survivor's pension from his company. Jack had always been told that I would get any survivor benefits if something happened to him, but that didn't happen. And, going to Oklahoma was a disaster. The only good thing that happened there is that I bought my car. I waited until Kayla started college before I left."

I remembered the phone call I got from Merrie when Jack was killed. She was inconsolable. It was about that time she was diagnosed with lupus, so her world had not only been shattered, but to have to deal with this illness as well was almost more than she could bear. I offered to help any way I could, but she wouldn't hear of it.

"You're here now, Merrie," I said. "You can get treatment, and heal your heartache, and be in a place you feel secure."

"How come you always know the right things to say Jamey?" she asked. I noticed tears in her green eyes, and felt my heart breaking for her. She'd been through so much…

I absentmindedly reached across the table and wiped away her tears. She apologized for getting emotional on me, that it kind of sneaks up on her when she's not looking. I told her it was not a problem.

Later, when we were leaving, I offered to follow Merrie home, and she surprised me by saying okay. Merrie's apartment was in a tough part of town (actually, all of Lawrence is the tough part of town), and although I knew she could take care of herself, I felt better knowing she was getting home safe.

She invited me up to her apartment for a few minutes. I was kind of curious about where she was living.

The apartment was huge, and really more than Merrie needed for just herself. It was the same apartment she lived in when she lived here before, when it was her and her daughters, and later, Jack. It was furnished, because the landlord had lived here after Merrie moved out, and it was the first apartment that had been fully remodeled.

Merrie brought me a soda and we sat on the sofa and talked more. I found myself not wanting to leave. I had this almost uncontrollable urge to kiss her, and I knew that would lead to events that she might not be ready for.

Merrie, however, noticed, as I had been silent up to this point. "Jamey" she asked, "are you okay?"

"No," I said without thinking, "I'm not."

"Why not?"

"Because I want to kiss you, Merrie."

Merrie looked puzzled. "What's stopping you?" she asked. Indeed, what was stopping me?

I soon felt Merrie's lips on mine. The kiss was long, and sweet, and was everything I remembered Merrie's kiss to be. "Is that better, Jamey?" she asked in a sultry, husky voice.

Oh, yes, I thought. I tried to say it out loud, but instead led Merrie's hand to the hardness I had just become aware of.

"Jamey…" Merrie's voice trailed off. Then, "I did this?"

"Yes, Merrie…"

I thought she was going to tell me she couldn't allow our friendship to go to that level, that she wasn't ready for it to go that far yet. She then instead asked me,

"What do you want to do, Jamey? Tell me what you want."

"Oh, God, Merrie…I want you." I blurted out before she could say anything more.

The look in her eyes…I'll never forget it as long as I live. It was a look that gave me permission to proceed, to show her how much I wanted her.

"Please, Jamey…" she said quietly, "make love to me. Please?"

Merrie led me to her bedroom, where she unbuttoned my shirt and kissed my chest. "Jamey…" she sighed as she signaled her desires to me.

I removed the sweater she wore and unhooked her bra, freeing her generous breasts. Soon we were holding each other close, kissing and caressing one another. Feeling her breasts against my skin was incredibly sensuous.

I later laid her on the bed and took off her jeans and panties. As she lay naked on the bed, I took in the sight of body. Her large breasts, full hips, slim legs, together with her beautiful face…how could any man resist her? I resisted her as long as I dared, but now, all I wanted was to show this goddess I was worthy of her love.

"My goddess, my beautiful Meredith-Anne, I am not worthy of you, but I want you so much…"

"Please, James…please?" She sounded like she was afraid I'd change my mind.

I slipped deep inside her, and started to love her. We were as physically close as two people could get. I could hear her breathing changing, feel her body against mine, matching my every stroke, feeling her tighten around my cock as if she could squeeze it off at will; her lips on mine, her hands on my skin, our tongues meeting and touching; Her seduction of me was complete, and I was a willing victim.

Her cries of ecstasy and release reverberated in my brain. She cried out my name as she went over the edge, and I was not far behind. I swore to myself then and there that if Merrie allowed me to be in her life in this way, I would never, ever hurt her, never take her love for granted. Her body was her gift to me, her love meant everything to me.

After our lovemaking, she fell asleep in my arms, and I watched her as I waited for slumber to overtake me. You are so beautiful, Merrie, I said to her in my thoughts. I've waited so long to tell you I love you. I hope you love me, too.


In the morning, when I realized I'd been wrapped up in Merrie all night, I thought about how right being with her felt. I also realized that I had been in love with her almost from the moment we met six years before. I had so much I wanted to tell her.

She wasn't in bed when I turned over to say good morning. I heard the shower running, and briefly thought about joining her there, but decided not to.

"Jamey?" Merrie called from the bathroom, "There's coffee if you want some."

I said okay, and went to find a robe to wear. Merrie had thought to leave me one on a nearby chair. I didn't even let the fact that it was pink bother me, I just slipped it on and headed out to the kitchen. Merrie was already there, pouring cups of coffee.

"I don't remember, Jamey," she said, "do you take yours black or with cream and sugar?"

"Cream and sugar." I'd have taken it as coffee grounds just for her. She said the cream and sugar were on the table and to help myself. She then said that the pink robe looked good on me, and I noticed a mischievous look in her eye as she said it.

"Well, good morning to you, too, beautiful…" I said as I kissed her. The kiss lasted longer than either of us planned, but it was just as powerful as it was the night before. I was just about ready to tear her robe off, but restrained myself. Instead, I said without thinking,

"I love you."

Merrie looked at me with a look on her face I couldn't read. I don't generally blurt things out like that, and it hung in the air between us.

"I know, Jamey," she said quietly.

That took me aback. Was I that easy to read? "How…?" I asked her.

"I knew six years ago when we made love on the beach."

I remembered. We'd known each other only a couple of weeks, and we'd been out on a date when we went to the beach to talk. It was very late at night, and there was no one there. We must have talked for a couple of hours, interspersed with French kissing and fondling. Soon we were hiding under a blanket making frenzied love before the cops who patrolled the beach came back our way.

"How did you know way back then?" I asked.

"Because you cared about my feelings, about how I felt afterwards, because we hadn't known each other very long. I just knew you weren't like any other man I had met up to that point. The only other man who did that was Jack."

I noticed she looked sad. I knew she met Jack a few months after I met her. She took his death very hard. He had just asked her to marry him and given her a ring. Two weeks later, Jack was killed in platform collapse off the Louisiana Gulf Coast. At his funeral, she slipped the engagement ring on his pinky before they closed the casket.

Merrie was silent for a long time. "What's wrong, Merrie?" I asked her.

She looked at me with tears in her eyes. "I love you, too, Jamey, but I feel like I’m being disloyal to Jack's memory."

"Merrie, I didn't know Jack very well, but I do know that he was crazy about you. He'd want you to be happy. I'm sure of that," I told her.

Merrie nodded and conceded that I was probably right. I took her into my arms and held her for a long time. "I don't want you to hurt, Merrie," I whispered to her. "Please know I would never hurt you."

"I know you won't, Jamey. That's one of the reasons I love you. It's one of the reasons I came back to Massachusetts."

"What?" I asked, surprised, "What's one of the reasons you came back?"

"That I knew you loved me," she said. "that you wouldn't hurt me. I could tell in the way you spoke to me on the phone. I could tell in the way you wrote your emails. After you and Kiera broke up, it became obvious to me. You didn't have to tell me you loved me, Jamey. Not with words. Your actions spoke for you. And because of that, I knew I loved you. I just needed the time to put it all together in my mind. That's why I didn't call you when I first got here. I wanted to be ready, because I knew you would want to be with me."

She then took me back to the bedroom and made love to me. "Let me love you, James," she had said as she took the pink robe off me, revealing my desire. She knelt before me and took my hardness into her mouth and brought me to the point just before release, then had me lay on the bed as she slipped my cock inside her, and rode me the rest of the way. She then lifted off me and lay on the bed next to me. Her lovemaking was forceful, yet gentle. She said and did all the things I knew she'd do to arouse me. What she did next blew my mind…

"Fuck me, Jamey!" she cried huskily, "Fuck me hard!"

That got me hard again fast. I did as she asked, urging me to take her harder, and to not be afraid to hurt her. "I want to touch my clit and feel you fucking me long after you leave," she said after we both came many more times. All I had to do was touch her clit and she'd come again almost immediately. I went down on her and took her womanhood to my lips, and the cries of desire threatened to overtake her. I wanted to possess her, fuck her, suck her, whatever it took to hear her cry my name out in orgasm. I fantasized about loving her for years, and now, it was reality, but a reality far beyond my wildest imaginings.


I ended up spending the entire weekend with her. When I left Monday morning to go to work, she told me she loved me, she needed me, and asked me if she could be my lover.

"Oh, Merrie…" I had told her, "you are my everything."

Four months later, she moved in with me.


(Originally posted 8/24/04. Updated 3/2/05)

Yeah, I was a little pissed when I wrote this...

"Dirty Little Secret"

Quite polite and so refined
or am I just gonna blow their minds
Beauty queen or rocker chick
C'mon honey, take your pick
Whatever is it I am to you
Does it make you do the things you do?
I'll lay even money to bet
That all i am is your
dirty little secret

It started one night at the rock n roll show
Public stares and private touches
What the hell, no one will know.
You talk a good game and I fell for it, too
Relegate me to the shadows
Isn't that what you rich folks do?
I'm not good enough to meet your friends
Dirty little secrets,
The bullshit never ends.

Hey beautiful, don't tell a soul
I don't want my girlfriend to know
Funny as hell, writes so well
Looks like another one of those as far as I can tell
I'm sick to death of being your "friend with benefits"
I dare you to tell the world I'm your
Dirty
Little
Secret.

©2005, all rights reserved

Save My Life

I don't know how I ever got through it
It threatened to consume me whole
My life flashed before me
But I would not let it take its toll

Save my life, I know there must be more than this
Save my life, I want to taste its sweet kiss
I refuse to believe that's all there is for me
The demons in my head can't be allowed to consume me

I must be strong enough to fight back the ones
who want me to succumb
To resist the feeling of being comfortably numb
It's my life I'm fighting for
Where would you be if I were no more?

I know I'm strong, I know I'm true
There's so much more I need to do
Oh, Lord, hear now my plea
Give me Your strength, oh glory be!

Save my life, there's so much more than this
I'm learning my strength to live my life in bliss
Because I refused to believe there was no longer a place in this
Life I love to live so true
My strength, Lord has always been in You.



©2005, all rights reserved

Hey Beautiful (an experiment)

Sometimes I wonder what you think of me,
and sometimes I just want to let it be
Please don't tease me
with terms of endearment you don't mean.
I know your situation,
and there is no room in it for me.

Please, don't lead me down that path again
Only to abandon me to my fantasies.

I know where I stand.

Yet, I know not where I am going.
Only that I know I am not yet there.


©2004, all rights reserved.

Siren Song

Your past is calling.
Again.
Its siren song rings in your ears
You feel the familiar pull of a life
you know brings you down
But, you are unable to resist

I see someone off in the distance
A man who looks like you
Upon further examination
He is not you at all
Only my longing for you to be here with me.

Can you hear me calling?
Does my siren song tempt you
To leave your past behind and
Start a new life with me?
Can you hear me praying for you
every night, for the Lord to watch
over you and keep you safe from harm

One day, you'll hear me,
My siren song
And you'll find your way back to
the life we planned
Not so long ago.



©2004, all rights reserved.

5-A (1998)

you.
me.
artist's pens.
poet's words.
we would
make
a
great team.
allow
the
poet
to dream.
and watch
the
dreams
come to
life
from
your
talented
pens.

©1998-2004, all right reserved

Category Five (1998)

My life is a hurricane.
Force five and increasing.
My soul can take no more of the battering it has been subjected to.
The toll is high
And I am not prepared to pay such a high cost for my sanity.
The winds whip through my existance and cause damage I cannot repair alone.
But no one seems to be there when I need them most.
I am afraid I will never
recover
Then what will become of me?
Just another statistic in the ever changing world of my being.
I am afraid.

©1998-2004, all rights reserved

Golden Fields

Take me to the golden fields
Where the heroes of war are laid;
Please, honor them with respect
The ultimate sacrifice made;
Pray for the loved ones left beneath
Those gleaming markers of stone;
They gave all to keep us free
Never they will be alone,
For God keeps them in His care
Their final honor won;
Their names written in His own hand
Beside the name of His Son.
Take me to the golden fields
Where the heroes of war are laid;
Forever we shall be in their debt
Through death our freedom paid.


©2004 all rights reserved.

Lamentations Upon Turning Forty (2.11.04)

You are the one who captured my heart, and
Made me believe in love again
Yet now my heart is breaking once more
I fear that love has once again passed me by
I can't wait for someday
for "you never know"
If there is room in your life for me
Please tell me now or set me free


©2004, all rights reserved

Prayer

Lord, watch over him,
Keep him safe.
Touch his heart,
It's not too late
He needs someone
Who understands his plight
Send him down my way, Lord
Let him know it will be all right.
You know my love is true,
Only for him, on my life I swear
Touch his soul, let him know
That I will always be there.
O lord, hear my plea
Of this I do pray
Calm his doubts, his fears this night,
That all will look better at the light of day.

Lord, watch over him
Keep him safe...



©2004, all rights reserved

If You Could Only See...

If you could only see what I see

That you are
Kind
Thoughtful
Giving
Wise
and that you have a good heart

I see these things when I look at you, when I think of you
I overlook the things you've done that hurt me.
And, maybe I'm a fool, but that's not for me to say.

However, I digress...

You don't-- or can't
See these things in yourself
Because, perhaps, you've learned to turn a blind eye to them
Because, perhaps, too many in your life want to see you fail
to keep you at their level

Why do you hate yourself so much, to deny yourself true happiness?
I've seen things in you that no one has seen
And I believe with all I possess that this is the real you
the you you've shown me when you let your guard down long enough

If you could only see the good in yourself
For this is what I see in you.


©2004, all rights reserved

Untitled 3.9.04

I can only pray
that maybe someday
You'll see what you've thrown away.

I hope you are happy, but
I think you are afraid to be.
All you've ever known is disappointment.
Are you afraid you wouldn't know how
to be happy?

Trust me.
Trust in me.
Believe in the power of the love I have for you.
You know it's true;
I believe in you.

©2004, all rights reserved

There's No Room...

I talk to you and you don't seem to be interested
As you once were in my life
You asked about how I was, what I was up to
Now, I feel you just don't care
You've decided, yet again, to give your past another chance
And I wonder what you didn't learn the last time you did this?
Now there are the women who can't wait to throw themselves at you
How can I compete?
I just don't see where I fit in the grand scheme of things
Right now, I'm sad to say,
That there is no room in your life for me.

Haven't I brought some love to your life?
I care for you with all I possess.
It just doesn't seem to be enough
To change your mind, to give our relationship a chance
You say you don't know what you want, but I can't help but see
That you do know what you want
And it's not a life with me.

Please know that I will always love you
And that I will always care
But in your life, I'm out of sight, out of mind
Because I cannot be there.


©2003, all right reserved

All I Have To Offer You Is Me

I hope this message finds you well.
I guess you're happy, as far as I can tell.
I've never stopped caring for you, on that you can bet;
And maybe we'll be together yet;
But for now, I'll have to let you see,
That all I have to offer you is me.

No fancy schmancy things I've got,
Because right now, I have not.
I know I can not compete with your past;
And, not even you are sure it will last.
I wish you well, this I can see,
As all I have to offer you is me.

Remember me because I cared;
And all the good times we shared,
they were not in vain, were not for naught;
For in my heart are the lessons you taught.
Love is thy name you will agree
And all I have to offer you, is me.


©2003, all rights reserved.

After Midnight

While I sit in amazement that we made it,
Barely, thru our first year
I realize that it is still a test.
A test of faith;
A test of hope;
A test of love.
There were, and still are,
Obsticles that threaten to
Impede the progress we've made
Towards a life together.
Distance is the biggest one
Facing us now.

After midnight, I sit here
Knowing you love me, yet
Wondering if a life together is possible.
We are so different, and yet,
So much alike.
We gave a brief try months ago;
Months that seem like years, looking back.
We know we can do it again...
The timing has to be just right
Everything has to be in its proper place;
It must be perfect,
Because we cannot afford to fail
This time;

I see you clearly in my mind's eye.
You stand proudly against the Louisiana sky
Ready, and able, to rewrite your life.
You have the desire, the drive, the determination
To succeed where you have before fallen short.
It takes courage to come back to your hometown
And in the face of those accustomed to seeing you fail
Begin to take the steps to finally prove them
Wrong in their haste to condemn.
Because this time you have something different

You have me. I love you.


©2003, all rights reserved

This Is a Test

A test of faith.

In the last year, everything in my life as I know it had been turned upside-down. I got fired from a job that I really didn't like, but needed; I was diagnosed with a chronic illness; I had intimate relationships with men who were not really good for my self esteem; And, I fell unalterably in love with a man who I am certain cares for me deeply, but just doesn't realize it, because he is fighting his own demons and undergoing his own test of faith right now.

I have done a lot of growing in the last year. I know what I am capable of, that I am worthy of affection, that I can have male friends without having to sleep with them; one in particular, though strongly attracted to me by his own admission, had to resist being intimate with me because he didn't want to stray from his live in girlfriend. That in and of itself gave me great respect for him, though at the time, I was very hurt.

I have this to say about that: if he was so attracted to me to the point of possibly cheating, then how strong is that relationship?

But, I digress.

I have to have faith, because my life depends on my reactions to the situation I currently find myself in. The faith I have in myself, and my self worth are all I have. If I don't have that, then I have nothing. I just pray that my love, wherever he is at this very moment, has that same faith. He's been though so much more in his lifetime than I have in mine, and I am older than he is by a dozen years.

I told him that no matter what, I will always love him, and will always be there for him if he needs me.

Keep the faith. It's all you have. That, and me.

©2003, all right reserved

Swept Away One Night

You showed me a new world
One where I felt I belonged
No one judging me, assuming the worst
About the life I lead that they knew nothing about.
You taught me lessons I should have
already known
I needed a reminder that I was worthy
of the love you so freely gave to me
Your wisdom belies your youth
Lessons you learned under duress
I never experienced the things you had
seen at such a young age.
Thank you for caring, thank you for loving me.
Thank you for the man you are
You don't have to hide behind your tough looks
Because I've seen the gentle soul inside.
This is the man with whom
I fell completely, utterly, unalterably in love.
Look in the mirror, cher ami
It is you...

©2003, all rights reserved

Haikus

1.)
You will always have
Me as a friend forever
Know I still love you

2.)
The Rebel Redhead:
She wears her heart on her sleeve
And loves without question.

Untitled--6.30.03

Will I ever see you again?
Feel your touch, your warm embrace?
Have all the chances I had been squandered
in my attempts to be happy?
Your words cut me like razors
Tiny ribbons of crimson flow across my heart
Was it all worth it to wound my spirit?

She says to you: don't talk to her
But you, defiant, talk to me anyway.
I have no problems with her, she tells you to tell me
However, it is obvious that she feels threatened
Because she could never have with you
what you and I had together?

Trust.

Her world is all lies, deceit, deception;
Her control over you was all she had
For what? A few rolls in the sack?
You do not suffer fools gladly,
You never succumbed to her demands.

Question is now, do I give you another chance?
Would you take off on me again if given the chance?
Do I take that chance if I felt it was worth it?

Damn right I would!


©2003, all rights reserved.